


i scream for whatever's worth (a supernatural one shot)

by thirteen_beaches



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Bisexual Dean Winchester, Castiel Has Self-Esteem Issues (Supernatural), Castiel and Dean Winchester Need to Use Their Words, Dean Winchester Has Issues, Fix-It, Happy Ending, Light Angst, M/M, Post-Canon, Post-Canon Fix-It, Post-Episode: s15e20 Carry On, Sam Winchester is So Done, hopefully you guys heal too, i genuinely do not know how to tag this, i needed to write this so that i could HEAL, uhhhhhhhhh this is a fix it
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-02
Updated: 2020-12-02
Packaged: 2021-03-10 02:41:30
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,528
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27843163
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/thirteen_beaches/pseuds/thirteen_beaches
Summary: TAKES PLACE AFTER 15X20 (SPOILERS)heaven is supposed to be perfect, especially after what jack has done. so why doesn't dean feel the happiness he should be feeling?
Relationships: Castiel/Dean Winchester, Dean Winchester & Sam Winchester, Eileen Leahy/Sam Winchester, Minor or Background Relationship(s), for saileen
Comments: 10
Kudos: 110





	i scream for whatever's worth (a supernatural one shot)

**Author's Note:**

> apologies in advance if this is ooc ive never written for spn before but here i am,,,,,, after the finale,,,,,, so yea

Heaven, as human beings knew it, was built through white lies. Things whispered on deathbeds as a reassurance to people who had to let go, promises of a ‘better place’ to carry them away. But no one truly believed it, not any deeper than a childhood wish on airplanes posing as shooting stars. After all, when did good things ever truly exist, pure and untouched?

And Dean still thought that, even as he drove by constantly changing countrysides in Baby, after meeting Bobby when he first landed in Heaven. After that fucking rebar, that stupid vampire hunt. He knew he would kick the bucket for good one day, but he hadn’t expected to not even last a whole month after Chuck. Honestly, he had planned on easing up on the hunting, maybe even quitting it all together. He had even managed to get a contract deal as a construction worker, something quiet but still playing to his strength. He just hadn’t broached the topic with Sam, but deep down, Dean knew Sammy would’ve been nothing but supportive. He would’ve gone on without him, Eileen, Donna, Jody and all the girls by his side. And Dean would’ve lent a hand every now and then, through advice or tips. 

Because Dean was tired. Exhausted, even. Defeating God felt as final boss as it could’ve been, after all. And with Jack, their kid, their family, running the show now, it felt like a world where he should’ve finally been able to let go and live a life of his own. Plus, not that he would ever mention it aloud to anyone let alone himself, hunting carried the memories of a certain trenchcoat-wearing angel apparating into the Impala at a call of his name, of a loss that Dean wasn’t sure he wanted to ever deal with, lest the floodgates opened once and for all. 

Dean laughed bitterly to himself as the too-perfect breeze of Heaven hit his face, the windows rolled down as music played through the radio of his car. When did things ever go his way anyway?

He didn’t hate it there, of course he didn’t. It was perfect. His family, the one they’d found over the years, growing with every saved soul, was there. There was more than enough pie, more than enough beer, the perfect music, everything. But more than anything, there was peace. There was safety.

But it still felt off to Dean. 

At first, he thought it was because Sam wasn’t by his side, that he was driving down roads and highways truly alone for the first time. And he had gotten used to his brother beside him, bickering, brainstorming, even fighting. So, Dean thought he was just waiting for Sammy to drop in, hopefully after a long, long life. 

But, when what felt like a few hours later (but turned out to have been 40 years), Sammy appeared at the bridge he was standing at, Dean felt a wave of happiness and nostalgia as he hugged his brother, but it didn’t stop the feeling. Yes, Heaven felt more like home, but something still felt off-skelter. But Dean didn’t have the time to unpack that, having more pressing matters at hand.

“84?!” he exclaimed, hands gripping the steering wheel tight. Sam laughed aloud, catching Dean’s incredulous expression as he nodded.

“Old age and everything,” Sam replied, shaking their head. “Honestly, it was not worth Claire calling me grandpa every time I decided to walk around the house.”

Dean chuckled, shaking his head as he stared out the window. “You lived a whole life, Sammy,” he said fondly, eyes crinkling at the corners.

Sam sighed contentedly, nodding. “Yeah, and I’m proud of it,” he said confidently. “What me and Eileen helped build with the new Men of Letters, and the bunker being a safe place and home base for hunters, it feels,” they paused, turning to look at Dean. “Like it will last.”

Dean smiled, turning to face Sam, patting him on the shoulder, one hand still on the steering wheel. “I’m really proud of you Sam,” he said sincerely. “You did good. And hey, you and Eileen even had a family! I’d say that’s winning at life!”

Sam just laughed, pinching the bridge of his nose as Dean turned to face the road. But, his smile faded, and Sam stared at Dean, gulping. “You deserved it too,” they said quietly, and Dean sighed, looking down.

“Don’t, Sam,” he said softly. “It’s okay.”

“No, it’s not!” they exclaimed, and Dean looked up, seeing his brother agitated. “I saw the contract on your desk, Dean,” Sam said, his voice dropping to a whisper just loud enough for Dean to hear. And hear it he did, as Dean squeezed his eyes shut, feeling a pit form in his stomach. “You wanted to stop hunting. To do something else.”

“Yes, Sam! Okay, I wanted to retire, you happy?” Dean yelled, hitting the brakes on the car abruptly, sending both of them lurching forward. But he didn’t wait long, opening the car door and getting out quickly, slamming it behind him. Dean closed his eyes, resting his forehead against the roof of the car, breathing deeply. He heard a car door open, and footsteps rapidly approach, and he suppressed a groan. “Sam, just drop it! There’s nothing any of us can do now, is there?”

“We didn’t have to go on that hunt, Dean!” Sam cried, heaving. “Everything could be so different now.”

“Oh, and what? We would just leave those kids, let those vamps run around and cause trouble? Hurt more people?” Dean yelled, turning to glare at Sam. “Yeah, I wanted to leave Sam! Eventually! Because every time we got into that Impala to hunt after Chuck, it was a reminder of what we’ve lost! Jack, and- and, Cas,” he stammered, lip quivering as he swiped a hand across his mouth. “But, before I felt ready for that, we still had a job to do. I still had a job to do. So, no matter whether I told you or not, we would’ve ended up in that barn. And maybe, there are scenarios where I don’t end up getting shoved into a fucking rebar, but guess what? That’s what happened to me, and there is nothing we can do now,” he said, taking a deep breath. Sam nodded slowly, tears falling from their eyes as he looked away. “So we’re here now, the two of us, in Heaven. And our family is up here, so let’s just be with them.”

“All of them?” Sam asked quietly, and Dean nodded, a small smile coming onto his face as he reached over to clap a hand on Sam’s shoulder.

“Bobby, Ellen, Jo, Rufus. Hell, even Eileen may have arrived in the time I was gone and when you showed up,” he laughed, shaking his head. “Time sure does work different up here,” he muttered to himself, wincing slightly at an unexplained pain in his chest.

Sam let out a breath, a soft smile on their face at the mention of Eileen’s name. “It was only a year, but god do I miss her,” he said quietly. But then, he looked up, nervous. “And Jack? You said he built this new heaven right? Is he here?” 

Dean’s smile softened, squeezing Sam’s shoulder. “He has to be, right? I’m sure the kid will drop in if you just pray to him and ask him. Family and everything,” he said gently, turning to rest his arms on the roof of the car. “Everyone we loved and lost is up here.”

“Almost,” Sam said sadly, and Dean raised an eyebrow, turning to face his brother. “Cas isn’t up here. He’s the only one in our family missing.”

The very mention of his name sent a dull ache in Dean’s chest, like a defense mechanism against spirals he didn’t want to fall down, not at that moment.  _ Pathetic _ , he chided himself.  _ He couldn’t even hear the name of his best friend without crumpling, let alone think of saying it, or think of whatever he said before he was gone. _ Dean cursed his body, feeling tears prick his eyes. Even heaven couldn’t stop him from losing control of himself. 

_ Cas helped. _

Dean hadn’t fully processed those words coming out of Bobby’s mouth, overwhelmed at the different feeling of Heaven around him, of seeing everything like it was the first time, still wrapping his head around how he had ended up there. He had smiled, a burst of comfort at knowing Cas and Jack had built heaven, thinking that Cas had done so before everything that happened with the Empty. But now, as he stood on the side of the road with Sammy, the meaning of that statement hit him. 

Jack was only God after everything with Billie. So, if Jack got Cas’ help, Cas wasn’t in the Empty. He was in Heaven.

Cas was alive.

“Dean?” Sam asked, narrowing his eyes, seeing Dean’s eyes flitting, like he were piecing things together, head snapping up in sudden realisation.

“He isn’t missing,” Dean said, his voice barely louder than a surprised whisper. “Bobby said that Cas helped Jack with this new heaven. And me, being a fucking idiot, just realised what that meant.”

“Wait, what?” Sam asked, a spark of hope behind their eyes. “Wait, are you saying, Cas is here, in heaven?” he asked slowly, and Dean nodded numbly, thoughts going by a mile a minute in his mind. Sam just let out a surprised laugh, an infectious smile on their face as stood straight. “What, then where is he? How come you haven’t seen him yet, Dean? I thought that would be the first thing you did, it’s been 40 years, man!”

“Again Sammy,” Dean sighed, trying to not let his nervousness and confusing storm of emotions take control of him. “Time works really different here. To me, it's barely been 5 hours since I died, and you showed up. I haven’t even met anyone other than Bobby and you, yet.”

“So let’s go!” Sam said, scoffing slightly, moving his jacket where his hands were stuffed in the pockets. “Let’s go see them, all of them,” he said, smiling. “Cas!” they called out, and Dean’s eyes flew open, a quick shot of panic down his throat. “Cas, are you there?”

“Sam!” Dean yelped, grabbing Sam by the shoulders, cutting him off. “He’s uh,” he muttered, eyes shifty as he looked at the ground. “He’s probably busy right now, helping Jack with everything. Let’s just go see Ellen and Jo, and all the others too.”

“Wait, Dean,” Sam said, tilting his head in confusion, a gesture that echoed one Dean had learnt so well on  _ him _ that it made him have to squeeze his eyes shut. “What’s going on? Is this about what happened with Billie and the Empty?”

“Just,” Dean snapped back curtly, holding his breath. “It’s nothing, Sam. Let’s just go to the Roadhouse, I could do with a beer,” he muttered, opening the car door and getting in. Sam just sighed, walking over to the other side, and got into the car. 

“I just wanna see if he’s okay Dean,” Sam said quietly as Dean started up Baby, backing up and reversing. “And I know you do too.”

“Of course I do, Sam. I wanna know more than anything,” Dean said, any malice or annoyance long gone. “I just, I need-” he cut himself off, looking out the window. “You know Cas,” he whispered, his voice catching on his name.  _ The first time he had said it since Lucifer,  _ he noted numbly. “He’ll find his way back. He always does.”

*

Time passed, differently or not, and the days went on. When Sam and Dean went back to the Roadhouse after their conversation, the party and celebratory cheers were loud and happy. Reuniting with Ellen and Jo was definitely emotional, Ellen hugging the two boys tight for all the years she had missed. Jo, too, smiled, even giving Dean a playful punch on the shoulder. And when Charlie,  _ their _ Charlie appeared, her signature ‘What’s up, bitches?’ ringing loud, Dean felt happy tears roll down his cheek as he hugged her tight. Rufus made fun of him for how he died (as he should have. A rebar. That’s what had been the end of him, after God.), but more than anything, everyone in the room, including Dean, were incredibly proud of Sam. He had achieved something very few hunters had, after all - he died of old age. 

It came to no surprise to Dean, therefore, when Sam caught Eileen’s eye, and stood still, a beaming smile on his face as she walked up to him. And, it was safe to say, the cheers when they reunited and kissed were the loudest of the party, with cheers and shouts all around. And Dean was so, so happy for Sam. Anyone could see how much he loved his wife, after all. 

Every day felt the same, but not in a way that felt tedious, or empty. It was just something that was. They were safe, they were calm. But Dean wasn’t sure if they were happy.

No he knew. He knew that while he felt comfortable, and the times when he would be over at Sam and Eileen’s, or at the Roadhouse with the Harvelles were amazing and fun, and he felt loved and warm, he wasn’t happy. Not completely, at least.

For the first few days, Dean just drove around, spending the nights sleeping on the hood of the Impala under the stars, the weather never too cold, or too hot. Eventually, on one of his drives, he found a small house, on the lakeside, with a pier jutting into the water, and he knew. He was home. And if he needed any more confirmation, Miracle barking loudly as she bounded up to Dean, almost knocking him over to lick his face was enough proof. 

Dean spent his days calmly. He woke up lazily, usually whenever Miracle decided to plop herself on Dean’s chest, the added weight waking him up every morning. He would stroll about the house, making coffee as he stared out the window at the lake, the breeze blowing quiet ripples on the surface. He would make himself breakfast, not because he needed food, or even coffee. But because he could, and he wanted to. After breakfast, Dean would get into Baby and drive. Just drive for miles and miles, as if he was testing the limits of this heaven, always dreading the wall, the forcefield jolting him back. But it never came, and the road kept going, and Dean kept driving. Eventually, when he grew tired, he would turn around, driving back home, back to almost everyone he loved. It became tradition for him to go to the Roadhouse every night, even if it was just for one beer, just to see everyone. Some days, he would go over to Sam and Eileen’s for dinner, spending hours upon hours with them. But normally, after catching up with everyone at the pub, Dean would just head back to his home. 

Every night, he looked out of every window, every door, trying to catch a glimpse of Cas.  _ He’ll find his way back, he always does. _ He would even leave his front door open, just a tiny bit, in case he walked in as he slept, a timid hope he didn’t want to squash in himself. Eventually, what felt like a few weeks later, Dean even started praying. At first it was just once in a while, like a reminder that came every now and then. Then, it became every couple days. Until Dean was praying every night, like alarm bells, desperation hiding behind a thin veil of confidence. 

“Cas, you got your ears on?” Dean would say, smiling at the words despite himself. “I don’t even know if you can hear me right now but, I don’t know I have to try. You and Jack have done quite a bang-up job with heaven, I have to say. Everyone here really is happy,” he would say, smiling sadly as the first tears rolled down his cheek. “I, I know you’re out of the Empty, Cas. And I just, I just wanna see you, see if you’re okay. I miss you, Cas. I miss you so much. I know you’re probably busy but, I, we need to talk too. Please,” he would whisper, his voice growing more and more choked up with every word. 

And every time he prayed, Dean felt the urge to say  _ he wasn't happy, he missed Cas, he- _ but he would always cut his thoughts off, scared to even finish the sentence. What was he going to say?  _ He wouldn’t be happy until he saw Cas? Unless he had Cas by his side? Unless he was able to actually say something back? _ Every night, he then went to sleep with these thoughts in his head, tired and drained. And then, he would wake up, and do everything all over again.

It was getting to the point where Sam, Eileen, even Bobby could tell something was up with Dean. But no one knew how to bring it up, the topic of ‘Cas’ something no one knew how to broach, especially with him. But all they knew is Dean wasn’t happy. Until, one day, Sam couldn’t take it anymore.

So, on one of the days Dean came over to his and Eileen’s for dinner, as he left, Sam followed him out the door, sharing a look with Eileen before he did, and she flashed him a smile, two thumbs up as he walked out. 

“Hey Dean,” Sam said, and Dean turned, plastering on a smirk for his brother. “You okay?”

“Of course Sammy, why wouldn’t I be?” he answered quickly, reaching out to punch Sam in the shoulder. But Sam sighed, catching Dean’s hand as he stared back at him.

“All these years and you still think I can’t tell when you’re lying, Dean?” they said quietly, and Dean just groaned, pulling his hand away, a scowl on his face. “It’s not just me who can see it, Dean. Eileen’s worried about you, and so is Bobby.”

“Yeah well there’s no need to worry, so quit it,” he muttered quietly, rubbing his knuckles. “I’m perfectly fine.”

“You aren’t, Dean! You’re not fine, you’re not happy! So talk to us, please,” Sam pleaded, scoffing. “And if it’s about Cas-”

“Don’t!” Dean shouted, and Sam stopped short, jumping away in surprise at the look on Dean’s face. It wasn’t anger, not entirely. It was defeat, it was pain. “You don’t know what you’re talking about, so just leave it alone.”

“No, no I’m not going to leave it alone, Dean! You’re hurting, and that shouldn’t be possible, not up here. So something’s wrong, and I know it has to do with Cas,” Sam said firmly, and Dean flinched at the mention of Cas’ name, looking away. “Maybe if you prayed to him, maybe he’d show up?”

“You don’t think I’ve tried that?!” Dean yelled, turning around, his eyes burning. He stepped forward, glaring at Sam. “You don’t think I’ve tried everything, Sammy? I’ve been praying every night, I drive for miles just hoping I catch a glimpse of him somewhere, I even leave my fucking front door open in case that son of a bitch comes by! I’ve done everything, and he’s nowhere to be seen!” Dean just scoffed, turning away from Sam, wiping his mouth with his palm. “I guess he just needed to come back to heaven to realise there’s nothing that would come from loving someone like me. Could’ve left a note, though.”

That made Sam snap his head up, eyes wide in shock. “Wait, he- what?” he sputtered out.

“Oh, yeah, I never told you, did I Sammy?” Dean laughed bitterly. “Cas had a deal with the Empty, where it would come to take him when he felt a moment of true happiness. So, when we were stuck in that dungeon with Billie on our ass, he decided to summon it, right there. Turns out his true happiness, was just telling me he was in love with me!” Dean said, gesturing with his hands, a broken smile on his face. “He told me he loved me, Sammy. Ain’t that the worst thing you’ve ever heard?” Dean choked out, gulping to keep the tears in, to not let them fall and break him. 

Sam, just staring at Dean in disbelief. “I can’t believe it,” he mumbled, numb with surprise. But Dean just shook his head, smiling. 

“Yeah, get in line with that one,” he said quietly, flashing a tight-lipped smile at Sam before walking home. “Tell Eileen I said bye,” he called out before walking away, leaving Sam staring after him, head whirling. 

Dean got home that night, way more drained than usual, his head full of thoughts, playing back memories like movies he didn’t need at the moment.

_ I was getting too close to the humans in my charge. You….. _

_ You’re my family. I love you, I love all of you…. _

_ I’m not good luck, Dean… _

_ You can’t save everyone, my friend… _

_ I needed to come back here with a win for you… _

_ You’re the most selfless, loving, human being I will ever know… _

_ You changed me Dean… _

_ I love you. _

“Fuck you, Cas,” Dean whispered as he walked around his kitchen, just trying to drink a beer without having to think about anything. Anything at all. But it wasn’t helping him. Finally, Dean snapped, and he just sank to his knees, hot tears streaming down his cheeks that he swiped away angrily.

“Cas, you son of a bitch,” he growled, squeezing his eyes shut. “I don’t care where you are or what you’re doing, but you better be listening to what I’m saying. Because screw you, screw everything you say and stand for. Because what kind of person, would just dump that speech on someone, and go and die on them? No one in their right mind, that’s for sure. And, what, you were just disappear into the Empty forever after leaving me with that? After telling me you  _ loved _ me? That’s just cruel.”

Dean drew a shaky breath, his heart pounding in his ears, but he was nowhere near done with saying his piece, so he kept going. “And now, I find out you’re in heaven, all the while I’ve been here, you’ve been up here too! And i thought, ‘Oh great, Cas is safe, I just wanna make sure he’s okay!’ And so I waited. I’ve waited for what has to be months now Cas, I keep waiting for you to show up, to say your stupid, stupid ‘Hello Dean’ as you walk in through my front door. I pray to you, Cas. Every goddamn night, I pray, and I beg, and I hope that you hear me and come back. I tell you every day I miss you, and I need to talk to you, and nothing. Not a word. Like you don’t care anymore. Well, fuck you too, Castiel, you son of a bitch,” Dean muttered, the back of his throat hoarse with the way he knew he was screaming these words. “Because I’m not happy here. I miss you in a way I can’t even put into words, and you’ve screwed with my head ever since you said what you said. Because every day, I can;t stop thinking about how I couldn’t say anything back, like a coward. And how you told me in Purgatory that you left, but I didn’t stop you. So this time, I tried to stop you. I told you, ‘Don’t do this’. But whether I tell you to stay, or I don’t stop you, you leave anyway, so what’s the point, Cas?”

At this point, Dean wasn’t as angry as he was when he started praying, gulping for air. “Please just, I wish you hear me right now, because I-”

But Dean stopped short, straightening up with wide eyes at the sound of flapping wings coming from behind him.  _ No. No way. No way it could be him. _

“Hello Dean.”

_ Son of a bitch. _

Dean turned around slowly, eyes still shut, not wanting to open them and realise he was just dreaming. But eventually, as he slowly opened his eyes, there he was. Suit, loosened tie, trench coat and all. 

Cas.

“Is this real?” Dean whispered, unsure of his own voice, his own eyes. 

But there he was, Cas, his blue eyes sparkling more than they had in the last few years on Earth, a sheepish smile on his face as he nodded. “Why wouldn’t it be real, Dean?” he said in his signature deep, gravelly voice.

Dean let out a shaky breath, his legs shaking.  _ It was him, it really was him. _ So he did the next logical thing he could think of.

Dean rushed forward, pushing Cas into the wall as he glared at him, all his anger and frustration returning, confusingly mixed with relief and happiness. 

“Where the hell have you been?!” Dean yelled, and Cas stared back at him, eyes flitting nervously. But he couldn’t move much, Dean’s forearm pinning him against the wall. “It’s been what feels like months up here, and you show your face now?”

“I-I’m sorry,” Cas muttered softly, but Dean could see the guilt behind his eyes, and he just scoffed.

“Did you hear my prayers? Or is heaven a no-prayer zone, cuz then that’s embarrassing,” Dean said, gulping. 

Cas looked away, taking a deep breath. “No, no I heard them Dean,” he said quietly, and Dean’s eyes went wide.

“What?” he gasped, dropping his hand as he backed away, scoffing in disbelief. “So all this time, you heard me. You heard that I wanted to talk to you, that I missed you. And you just stayed away?” 

“Dean, I,” Cas started, but Dean turned away, pinching the bridge of his nose. 

“I can’t believe this,” he muttered to himself, placing his hands on his hips. “I can’t believe you, Cas.”

“I was scared, Dean!” Cas cut him off, shouting. Dean turned around quickly, eyes narrowed at Cas, who was looking away, turning to sit on the bed. 

“You? Scared?” Dean said, unconvinced.

“I meant every word I said Dean. When I told you how I feel, I meant everything,” Cas said, his voice strangely pained. “And when I said it, I thought that was it. I’d never see you again. So, when Jack pulled me out of the Empty, it was a shock, especially when he asked me to help build a new Heaven. I thought I would have time to think about everything before you showed up, but there you were, maybe a week or so later. And I,” Cas stammered, eyes trained to the floor. “I got scared. I didn’t want to see how I ruined our friendship, so I kept my distance. In all honesty, I didn’t think you would care if I was there or not, even if Bobby mentioned my contribution.”

“What?” Dean asked incredulously, causing Cas to look up. “What the hell are you talking about?”

“I-” Cas started, but Dean held out his hand, effectively cutting him off.

“No, you’ve said what you’ve had to say, Cas!” Dean exclaimed, shaking his head. “Now you’re going to listen to me.” As he said that, Cas just nodded slowly, eyes wide. Dean took a deep breath, looking away.

“Not care? Are you serious? Cas, you’re family. You’ve been family for almost this whole crazy journey we’ve had,” Dean said, shaking his head. “And yeah, I’ll admit, it took me a while to understand what Bobby said when he told me you helped Jack. It actually took me until Sam got here to realise you were safe, that you were out. And ever since then, I wanted to see you Cas. I wanted to make sure you were okay, I wanted to talk to you. You’re my best friend Cas, through everything we’ve been through. And every day that went by when you weren’t here, it, it didn’t feel right.” Dean coughed slightly, looking down. “Because what you told me before you were taken by the Empty, I can’t get it out of my head.” 

Dean scoffed, looking at Cas, who was looking back at him with a curious expression. “You know when we were staring down at Chuck, powerless and defeated, he called me the ‘ultimate killer’. And normally, I would have agreed with him. But you, what you said, I knew different,” he said, walking up to the bed, sitting beside Cas, who was staring at him now. “You say I changed you, Cas? You changed  _ me, _ you son of a bitch!” Dean said, his voice shaking. “I had no faith before you, none at all. I didn’t believe in much, in a purpose other than the job that I had been given. But, I have faith in you, you showed me how to be strong Cas. I wouldn’t have made it all those years without you,” he said softly, finally turning to meet Cas’ gaze. “You changed me just as much, Cas. So don’t you dare think I wouldn’t care.”

Cas’ eyes softened, and a small smile played on his lips, a smile that Dean started to share, that off-skelter feeling he’d had all that time in Heaven starting to melt away. “Well, that’s kind of you Dean,” Cas said quietly. “I’ll try and keep that in mind.”

“And,” Dean spoke up, looking away. “What you said, about wanting something you know you can’t have?” At that, Cas tensed up, looking away, but Dean spoke up immediately. “I’m just saying, it’s not like you, ever asked,” he muttered awkwardly.

Cas furrowed his eyebrows, turning to look at Dean. “What are you saying, Dean?” he asked slowly, and Dean coughed, shrugging slightly.

“I mean you just, you just assumed you couldn’t have it, when you didn’t even ask,” he muttered, stumbling over his words. “Because if you had you would’ve, you would’ve known different.” 

Cas raised an eyebrow in confusion, peering at Dean. However, when Dean finally looked up at him, catching his eye, Cas saw the nervous hope in Dean’s eyes, the pieces suddenly clicking together. “Are you, are you saying?” Cas asked with cautious optimism, feeling something bubbling in his chest.

“I’m saying I, that I,” Dean spoke quietly, gulping nervously. “Heaven's pretty lonely, especially foor someone like me. So I could, I wouldn’t mind, no I’d really really like some company here.”

Cas’ eyes went wide, and his jaw hung slightly open as he looked at Dean, his heart warm. “Are you asking, me to stay with you? Here?”

Dean took a deep breath, letting out a soft laugh as he shrugged. “I mean, is there anyone else here that I’m asking?” he said with a small smile, before growing serious. “I mean I know you have angel duties and everything but, it’s just a thought.”

“No,no it’s okay Dean,” Cas said, smiling gently. “In all honesty, Jack is the one who pushed me here today, telling me he’ll call if he needs me. I guess he grew tired of this whole cat and mouse game,” he said, and Dean laughed, his face flushed. “So, I can stay as long as you want me to.”

Dean took a deep breath, reaching out to grab Cas’ hand, a gesture that surprised the both of them, but it felt right. Like it was natural, from years of comfort. “I would say all of eternity,” Dean joked, a lopsided smile on his face. “But I don’t want to scare you off.”

“Eternity doesn’t scare me Dean,” Cas said quietly, his smile enough to make everything right in Dean’s mind. “I’ll be there.”

“Good,” Dean nodded, sighing in relief. He lifted his and Cas’ hands, pressing a kiss to the back of Cas’ palm, before getting up to clean the room up, and Cas smiled, the both of them content.

Dean wasn’t able to say the words he was thinking that night, the emotion hitting him in overwhelming waves that caught hold of his tongue at the much needed moment. But he didn’t have to say it right then. He knew that Cas understood. He understood it in what Dean asked him, what he said, in what he did. It was enough for a start.

Cas said it casually every day from then on, the words ‘i love you’ as casual as ‘good morning’ now. And every single time it was said, with cups of coffee, drives down highways, and eventually kisses on cheeks and lips, Dean felt it in every part of him. And that’s when heaven started to feel right. Started to feel real.

And Dean said it back through actions. Through blankets wrapped around shoulders, through scrambled eggs for breakfast, through music. And one day, as Dean and Cas sat on the pier by their house, staring out at the sunset in Heaven, Dean said it back.

“I love you too.”

**Author's Note:**

> hopefully that wasn't too bad skdfhkdsj  
> like i said, haven't written for spn before so im sorry if the characterisation is off hahaha
> 
> comments/kudos appreciated!! lmk what you guys thought <3  
> my twt: @ghostboyfs  
> my tumblr: thirteen-beaxhes


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